E: Episodes appeared in
What is dead may never die. Trouble is, fifteen of the following twenty characters did die, quite comprehensively. So never mind, let's just get on with the list, from 100 down to 81.
100 Amory Lorch - 3 pts (P: 2, K: 1, E: 4)
Propping up this list (even though he's actually at the top of the page, but we'll ignore that) is a man best known for killing a lovable drunk.
However, whilst Ser Amory's sword-down-the-neck trick may have given himself a precious point - and ended Yoren's impressive swear-a-thon in the process - it would ultimately end up being his demise, as he became one of the names Arya gives to Jaqen "Pat Sharp" H'ghar.
I guess Harrenhal wasn't such a fun house for him after all.
99 Rodrik Cassel - 3 pts (P: 2, K: 1, E:13)
If ever there was a man who embodied the North, surely it was Rodrik Cassel. Loyal, outspoken, hardy, and would you just look at that beard.
If I ever make a list of characters I'd most like to go down the pub with, Rodrik would be much higher than 99th. But, despite his affinity to Catelyn Stark seeing him appear in thirteen episodes, he could only muster two swears and a kill.
Two swears in thirteen episodes? Call yourself a Northerner? Rubbish. I bet he doesn't even like chips and gravy.
98 Meera Reed - 3 pts (K: 3, E: 16)
You've got to feel for Meera. During her time on the show she has to help transport a cripple thousands of miles and through some of the most dangerous territory in the world, she witnesses the death of her brother, and nearly dies herself on more than one occasion.
It's no wonder she's constantly moody, and let's not even start on the emotional turmoil of telling Hodor to hold the door, knowing what would happen to him.
The silver lining is that, unlike most of the other guys, girls, and other things on this page, she is at least still alive. Which is novel.
97 Hodor - 3 pts (K: 3, E: 23)
Speak of the devil.
This list really isn't fair on Hodor. He can't swear, and he was never going to get any sex points either (despite possessing a giant's sausage).
He wasn't really the killing type either, but when Bran "warged" into him (technical term), that soon changed when the usually dire situation demanded it.
His biggest contribution, however, has to be his final one. The final few moments of "The Door" may not have seen him jump up this list, but it never fails to bring a tear to my eye, and I've seen it many times.
96 Talisa Stark - 3.5 pts (P: 1, S: 2.5, E: 11)
The girl who turned Robb's life, and the entire Stark family, upside down. Talisa Stark, nee Maegyr, is too mild-mouthed and gentle-hearted to be anywhere near the top of the tree here.
But, sex! At last! We find someone who makes a contribution to the S column. A contribution that turned into pregnancy, which turned into a stabbing, which turned into a war.
Welcome to Game Of Thrones.
95 Olyvar - 3.5 pts (S: 3.5, E: 7)
On the subject of but sex, here's a guy who manages to accomplish something only one other character in the top 100 has managed - achieve a score made entirely of sex points.
This is hardly a surprise, given his roles in the show included seducing the Knight of Flowers and running Littlefinger's brothel while the slimy bastard was away.
Still, one can't help but wonder how many swear points he would have scored if the cameras had been rolling just a little bit, ahem, longer.
94 Oznak zo Pahl - 3.5 pts (P: 3, K: 0.5, E: 1)
The first, and probably most arrogant, of the one-episode-wonders.
Whilst Oznak receives many style points for his display of superiority and confidence in the face of the mighty Khaleesi outside Meereen, his inevitably quick death didn't give him many opportunities to rack up any actual points.
Still, Meereen's ex-champion does at least answer the question of whether or not foreign swear words count.
93 Balon Greyjoy - 3.5 pts (P: 3, K: 0.5, E: 4)
I know, right? He may have been the head of one of the better known houses in the show, but the most stubborn man in Westeros did indeed only appear in four episodes, before being unceremoniously chucked off a bridge.
In fact, according to the logic of this list, the only thing that makes him better than the publicly-urinating Oznak is that he lived longer.
92 Myranda - 3.5 pts (S: 3, K: 0.5, E: 7)
There are girls who like bad boys, and then there's Myranda.
Why anyone would fall for a guy who enjoys chopping off penises and killing pretty much anyone he doesn't like is beyond me.
Ironically though, it wasn't Ramsay who put an end to one of the most jealous young girls in all of Westeros. Instead, it was the very guy who had his gentleman's sausage removed by Ramsay, lobbing her overboard whilst defending Ramsay's beloved wife-at-the-time Sansa.
Karma's a bitch, and the bitch ended up in a lovely heap all over the grounds of Winterfell.
91 Loboda - 3.5 pts (P: 1, K: 2.5, E: 1)
Here's a guy you wouldn't mind picking up your kids from school for you.
Not one to enjoy having his mind changed, the pleasantly charming Thenn is far from happy when Jon Snow, who knows nothing, turns up at Hardhome and informs him that they all need to kiss and make up South of The Wall.
The ensuing bickering was soon put to a stop by the arrival of countless scary dead things, which allowed Loboda to gather a few more points with a few swings of his axe, before having his gut sliced open by a White Walker's spear.
Well, he was fun while he lasted.
=89 Ray - 4 pts (P: 4, E: 1)
Once a cowardly sellsword, then a septon of the Faith of the Seven, and finally a corpse hanging from a building site, it's safe to say that Ray managed to pack a lot of story into the only episode he appeared in.
He also managed to shoehorn in four naughty words before he met his unfortunate demise at the hands of the Brotherhood Without Banners that evening. A demise that would make Sandor Clegane very angry, and you really don't want to make Sandor Clegane very angry.
=89 Brant - 4 pts (P: 4, E: 1)
This thoroughly charming member of the Night's Watch was present at Maester Aemon's funeral, and subsequently tried to make his presence well and truly felt with Gilly.
Alongside Derek, the man with the least Game Of Thrones sounding name of them all, Brant did his best to enter the sex points column. Sam did try to intervene, bless him, but it was the timely presence of Ghost who finally scared the delightful duo away.
To be fair, if a direwolf showed his teeth to me in an aggressive manner, I'd score four swear points as well, and quickly.
88 Gatins - 4 pts (P: 4, E: 2)
Whilst Game of Thrones may show a fair amount of sex, it does little to educate in how it's actually done.
Luckily, Gatins is on hand to help demonstrate the fine art of kissing a girl, and does so with Steve (another excellent GoT name), whilst they're gathered round a campfire shortly after killing Ray and his merry followers.
He also wins the award for the only character to be killed while his finger smells of someone else's bum, which as far as I'm concerned is a much more notable achievement than being shit at dying.
87 Salladhor Saan - 4 pts (P: 4, E: 3)
True to his beliefs, motivated by money, and happy to share a bath with a whore or two, Salladhor Saan is your typical pirate...or just your typical GoT character?
Davos Seaworth's personal favour-doer is there to help the Onion Knight out, complaining before he does so, but doing so anyway because there's money on offer and hey, he's a pirate.
Just don't ask him to do any stand up comedy.
86 Thoros of Myr - 4 pts (P: 4, E: 10)
Have you been killed and would like to return from the dead? Are you a chosen one in God's plans, with the ability to instantly ignite a sword? If you can answer yes to all of that, then Thoros is the man for you.
What he isn't the man for, is killing, mainly because he missed his big opportunity to rack up some points North of The Wall when he was mauled by a bear.
Still, whilst he was dying on a frozen rock, he could at least find solace in the fact that if bringing characters back from the dead scored negative points, he wouldn't have made this list. Silver linings and all that.
85 Missandei - 4 pts (P: 3, S: 1, E: 34)
Everyone's favourite multi-lingual ex-slave with a slightly slippery grasp of joke-telling, Missandei is one of those characters who was always going to struggle to score points here.
Three rude words spoken whilst translating for Dany (yes that counts), and one memorable they're-finally-going-to-do-it sex scene was all that Missandei could muster. But she's alive, which is more than can be said for most of the characters here, and it gives her the chance to move up the ranks in season 8, maybe with some more sex. Just saying. If the writers of the show are reading this. Please and thank you.
84 Doreah - 4 pts (P: 1, S: 2, K: 1, E: 11)
Fun fact: Doreah is the lowest ranked character with points in all three columns. I'm not sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing, but that's something she can at least contemplate whilst sharing her last few moments with that guy with the name nobody can pronounce.
She did get her wish of seeing a dragon, before Xaro's irresistible charm lured her into betraying Daenerys and offing Irri. Maybe she would have scored many more points if she'd stayed loyal to the dragon queen, but then she wouldn't be the lowest ranked character with points in all three columns. It's probably too late to open the vault and get her opinion on the matter, isn't it.
=82 Mag the Mighty - 4 pts (K: 4, E: 1)
If this show has taught me anything, it's that you don't cheese off a giant. Let alone the king of the giants.
But that's exactly what the Night's Watch did during the battle at Castle Black, killing Mag's mate Dongo, and sending him into a fit of unparalleled rage capable of lifting the gate with his own (sizable) bare hands.
He would be defeated by Grenn and his crew, who were also killed in the process, but whose deaths certainly played their part in the castle standing its ground against the might of the wildling armies, for now...
=82 Arthur Dayne - 4 pts (K: 4, E: 1)
One of the first characters to be killed in the show, chronologically speaking, Arthur "Sword of the Morning" Dayne tried his best to kill Ned Stark long before Joffrey was even born. He failed, obviously, thanks mainly to the ol' you-thought-I-was-dead-but-here's-a-sword-in-the-back-to-prove-I'm-not move from Howland Reed.
Mr Reed then graciously allowed Ned to claim the kill point by finishing Dayne off, a rare occasion of a character we'd already seen killed coming back to score more points. Rare, but not exclusive, eh Jon.
81 Rorge - 4.5 pts (P: 4, K: 0.5, E: 5)
The final entry in the first part of this list is Rorge, a kind, warm-hearted, loving guy who just needs a hug. Or a needle in the heart.
Alongside Jaqen H'ghar, and his best mate Biter, Rorge makes his first appearance as a prisoner being transported in the back of a wagon. A few kind words to Arya, a fire, and a knees-up at Harrenhal later, he and Biter are free men.
Fast foward a couple of seasons and Arya and The Hound stumble across the pair in post-pillaging celebration, and that's the end of them.
You really shouldn't have told Arya your name, Rorge.